Amidst Social Distancing

Covid-19, go f*ck yourself.  

I'm sitting on my porch, in the dark, listening to the sound of rain.  In Saudi.  How beautifully it breaks the silence of this dreadful, dark night.

This whole day has been a shitshow.  The complete opposite of yesterday's perfect homeschooling day.  I drank resque drops by 10am. (My fellow expats, it's a natural calming aid)

The girls were just not having it.  My patience was up long before lunchtime.  Anyone else also feels that they're just cooking and cleaning up the entire day?

For the first time in a while a familiar depressing, saddening loneliness was inside of me.  Trying to numb all my happy feelings.

The last couple of weeks have been full of blooming new friendships and get-togethers.  I was finding my feet - and my tribe.

I was happy.

Suddenly schools close.  Parks close. Restaurants close. I can't even go sit on the beach!  My precious two hours to myself every day is gone.  Poof!  Just like that...  And I have to cook - every night!  (First world problems, I know...)

But it goes well, everything runs smoothly.  Teachers make it easy for me to work through the day with the kids and what they have to do through distance learning.  Everything neatly prepared and all I have to do is follow the very clear, thoughtful and amazing instructions. I'm excitedly helping and making things fun for them.  We go on walks and ride our bikes.

Then it starts to turn.  Jayda is crying because she doesn't see her friends anymore and can't go play like she used to. "This virus is ruining EVERYTHING!" She cries.  

We have to postpone her birthday party and can't go to the trampoline park like she wished.  This little heart needs some extra TLC & reassurance that everything will be A-okay.

My heart aches because my mom was supposed to be here for a visit by now but no one is going in or out of the country.

I'm worried about my loved ones back in South Africa.  Our parents & family who are older.  The government not giving enough support and what this will mean for the rural areas and people without healthcare or money.  The children in these areas...

People losing business and a lot more because of that.  

The reality sinking in that this will not be 'over' after a couple of weeks of self-isolation and social distancing.  Waiting for the big wave to hit us.  Every day there are more cases reported. It gets closer. And closer.  

But... as I think back about today there were so many moments that were little gifts to keep me going for sure.

I was inspired to pick up my guitar and practice one of my favourite songs again. My friend walked by my house and we chatted a few minutes in the front yard, two meters away from each other.  Although my heart was yearning for a hug, she was heaven-sent.  Me and the girls danced in the rain this morning and it was amazing!

One of my old clients sent me a message out of the blue tonight and asked if I'm okay.  As we chatted about this debilitating situation I realized I'm not alone.  We are all scared and anxious and feeling helpless.  I told her to keep having faith, we serve an almighty God.  And it was like a wave of calm washed over me.  

This morning one of my friends applauded me for telling her I'm feeling overwhelmed with the girls today and said she feels the same.

My old assistant who bought my studio and now runs her own business asked some advice on what I would have done and spoke to me about the risks of going on with shoots and the fear of no income taking the time off to protect herself and her family - she is a brand new mom too. I told her that there are hundreds of scriptures in the Bible telling us to not be afraid.  Some days will be more overwhelming than others, and that's okay.  The sun will rise again tomorrow.

My friend posted on her Facebook a few days ago "Please, please reach out to your friends you know struggle with depression/anxiety in the coming days. Touch base, let them share their worries, let them know you see them."

I gave a little 'heart' and didn't feel like I belong in either group - the "I'm okay and able to check up on those people" OR "I'm actually those people & need to be checked on." 

But today... oh today.

I encouraged people today, even though my heart felt so extremely heavy.  This is what we all CAN do.  We can be an example of how to have faith, how to support emotionally and be available to listen.  Even if you feel like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and you can't even deal right now.  Focus on the good things, the little moments sent your way.  And have a little faith ;)

Light and love my friends!

xo 

Zelda

We're all learning and growing through this.