Resilience

resilience

/rɪˈzɪlɪəns/

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noun

1. 1.

   the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

   "the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions"
2. 2.

   the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

   "nylon is excellent in wearability, abrasion resistance and resilience"

   synonyms:

   flexibility, pliability, suppleness, plasticity, elasticity, springiness, spring, give;  durability, ability to last, strength, sturdiness, toughness "he uses different types of vertical and cross strings in his rackets for added resilience" strength of character, strength, toughness, hardiness; adaptability, buoyancy, flexibility, ability to bounce back; informalbouncebackability "she displayed an indomitable resilience in the face of misfortune"

I've been feeling much different since our visit to South Africa recently. Actually since the week before.  The excitement of the trip lying ahead & seeing the family got me in a whole different state of mind.  It's like my life got a shot of Vitamin B ;)

Our relocation to Saudi almost four months ago has by far been one of the most difficult things I've ever gone through.
It shook me in ways I never knew was possible.  It had me at my lowest lows, but also highest highs.

At first it was exciting, seeing all the new places & meeting new people.  Getting unpacked & into our new (temporary) space was enchanting & interesting.  But it wasn't long until reality kicked in...

Nothing familiar, everything foreign.  My husband works away and only comes home on weekends, so you can imagine how weird my first week without him was.  Trying to figure things out, relying on strangers - who I believe are angels in disguise, to help us get around & sort out admin things.

But I still had my old-self's strenghth to carry me.  I perservered and showed up everyday.  If it wasn't for my two little girls I'm sure it would've been a whole different story.  But everyday this new life with it's tremendous challenges chipped away a part of me. Of who I am. Of who I was...

Jayda (6) was adapting at the speed of light & I my mind was spinning keeping up with her.  She started school in the second week & even rode the bus to school!  She loved it & it comforted me seeing her so happy & excited.  She grew leaps and bounds during our first few weeks here.
Little miss Leila (3) on the other hand... had severe seperation anxiety & most days I couldn't even shower without an audience.  This little human attached to me in everything I did comforted me though.
By the end of the first month I felt quite accomplished.  I learned to drive on the other side of the road - driving to the little supermarket in our golf cart :)  I used a new currency, and I could run on weekends without using the GPS!

I remember my first long run here...  When I came back all I could mutter was "Is this it?" I ran through the whole compound and realized how small it was. I was in total disbelief and just wanted to cry!

Month two started out super exciting.  Hubby had a week long break and we went to Dubai. The time with him did us all good. Greatfulness washed over me.  Never in a million years did I think we'd be on holiday in Dubai!  I cut and coloured my hair... I realized finding someone who's comfortable with cutting short hair and blonde colour  is quite rare.
Another part of me chipped away...

I started gaining weight and struggled to keep in shape.  I wasn't too hard on myself, keeping in mind the huge change we're going through and just showing up everyday was already an accomplishment.  Summer break started and I had the girls the whole day, every day.
I enrolled Jayda in sewing classes and swimming lessons.  We needed something to keep us busy...  Leila potty trained and made sure I got my cardio in by running to the bathroom every 5 minutes.

Month three started with my birthday week!  Joy filled the air and cake was had!  We got news that our house was finally ready and I packed up everything and started moving to our new and exciting house.
But the excitement was short lived and I fell into a depression.  I faught every day.  Clawing my way out of this deep & dark hole I found myself in.  I knew it would pass... Or at least still had hope that it would.
It was the scariest and loneliest time I've ever had to endure.  Luckily it didn't last long & I started feeling optimistic again.  But it wasn't the same.  I wasn't the same.  All this chipping away... there wasn't anything left.  I didn't know who I was anymore.  What is my purpose?  I didn't recognize myself in any way.
I couldn't fathom who I was becoming & just felt lost.

During all of this I knew I must be growing.  But I couldn't feel it.  I couldn't see it.  It was frustrating to say the least.

We weren't planning on going home until December.  There was another company holiday and we decided to surprise the family for a visit in SA.  I was so excited I couldn't contain myself!  It was wonderful seeing everyone and my heart was so full!

I had the most amazing realization with this trip.  I came back HOME. Yes... home like in, Saudi!  Don't get me wrong - South Africa will always be home to us.  But for now, this house, here in the hot and humid weather...  This is our home now.  And it felt good coming home. 

Right now I'm sitting on the beach at the crack of dawn.  With the most grateful heart.  I can finally look back and see some growth (and not just the growth around my waistline!)...
The word I stumbled upon this week resonated with me tremendously.  RESILIENCE.

I am strong.  And brave. And now, resilient too.

I know I've still got a long way to go & I'm going to grow and learn as every new day breaks.
But for now, I'm happy.  We are safe.  A feeling not many of us get to experience.  We live in a beautiful little bubble and I'm going to enjoy it for as long as we're here.

This is my season to stop.  To breathe.  To get quiet.  To listen.  To get closer to God.


Maybe you're going through a rough patch and you can't see the light.  Maybe you're changing.  You feel lost or incomplete. But just know you're growing, even if you can't see it.

"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jer. 29:11

Stay strong
xo Zelda