#BURNOUT

We need to talk about something.  I say WE, because I know I'm not the only one.  I'm busy recovering from something I never thought would actually happen to me.
#BURNOUT



Wait, what?!  In my glamorous and exciting photography world?  Yes.
It's not one specific thing I can blame, it's a bunch of little things that became too much for my body to handle. 
1) Work:  The biggest part of my day.
I was one of them.  Those entrepreneurs that bragged about how little sleep they got last week and how busy they are.  It sounds so bad-ass getting up at 2am to work. Well, now I'm calling it.  It's BS.
No one can operate on that level and stay sane or healthy.  I've had an overwhelmingly busy winter, which I'm SUPER grateful for, and worked very hard for.  These last couple of weeks my stress and anxiety levels were in the red.  Add a total shutdown, some travelling, huge news, a vomiting kid and the shit's bound to hit the fan.

So what happened?  I've been stressed out before though...  Well, on Saturday my body just said Stuff You, I'm going to quit if you don't.  And so this glorious vessel of mine gave in and I was down for two days straight.  I had to postpone work.  I cried.  I couldn't MOM properly.  I cried.  I couldn't walk upright for most of Saturday.  I cried.  I failed my husband right at the end of shutdown.  So I cried some more.
Got some meds, visited the doc on Monday and it's confirmed.  Stomach ulcer (Also sinus so bad I couldn't breathe, but that's almost everybody's problem here).  I'm on my fifth day of recovery.  From something much bigger than a stomach ulcer...  Fatigue got the better of me.

Guys, it was so bad I COULDN'T DRINK COFFEE!!! It literally burned my stomach too much.

Before I realized it was burnout, I was unsure of what was going on and just super confused.  All I knew was that I didn't want to do anything.  Not even take photos.  This huge passion of mine felt like mountains of work lying ahead of me.  So I rested.  I delegated.  I watched old favourite movies.
I spoke to my coach and he told me it sounded like burnout.  And it was like this little light went on. 

We never take sick leave, we take a nap and go back to work.  We just carry on.

So what now?  Now I'm STILL resting.  I'm taking this week off.  For me.
Because "You can't pour from an empty cup". Which I've realized is actually true and not just a cool quote.

What else am I doing to recover?  Well, after I googled "how to recover from burnout", I've come to realize that mindfulness was totally absent here...
It's a big word for me:

mindfulness

ˈmʌɪn(d)f(ʊ)lnəs/

noun

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

So my plan for this morning was to get up at 5am, drink a glass of water, journal - write three pages in a book (whatever about), maybe meditate or just pray, and even stretch before my day started.
BUT the reality is, life happens.  Jayda woke me up at 3:30am and wanted to go watch a movie and eat popcorn.  She's been wanting to do it for the last couple of nights - not that I thought it would actually happen.  She doesn't wake up for anything...
At first I was frustrated, because I feel like I need to get my life back together, man!  BUT it was super special - and these things are going to happen.  What I've learned though, is to be present in these situations.  I enjoyed lying next to her, just the two of us - taking in the moment.
I went about my old morning routine and when I got back from dropping her off from school, I went outside.  I watered the garden, I wrote three pages, I listened to the birds and even saw a bee in the lavender bush.  Smelling, seeing, hearing all these quietly wonderful everyday blessings that I normally rush by.

I've taken a slight rest from social media too.  When you feel so down you don't want to share anything.  Nobody wants to hear about your problems, right? 
WRONG.  I decided to share this, because I know I'm not the only one who feels like this.  And please know that if you need to talk to someone, I will listen.  Don't wait until your body gives out on you. 
BREATHE ~ REST ~ RECUPERATE

I've been thinking a lot about my new mom friends while going through this as well.  Just know that it gets better xxx  And it's important to take some time for YOU.  Without feeling guilty about it.
Eat better, sleep more and pray <3

xo Zelda