Slowing down

 "And every day the world will drag you by the hand, yelling, "This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!" And each day, it's up to you to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say, "No. This is what's important."

-Iain Thomas

This morning I woke up to a big crashing sound.  After deliberating wether it was an explosion or something, I realized it was lightning and thunder!  Shortly after, the rain started falling down.  I barely made it to my back porch with coffee in hand to witness the last bit of it.  My heart wants to explode when it rains.  Especially here.  We don't get a lot of it, so I revel in it when it happens.  Because it also doesn't last long, I've learned to almost instantly run out and dance in the rain - yes, literally.  The girly twirlies in all it's glory.

The last week or so I have been feeling more awake.  More conscious. More aware.  I have finally started enjoying my slower life.  Taking it all in.  It's like it just clicked. I've been fighting it so hard, without even realizing it. And it's so refreshing! I have been mourning the life that I thought I would have, mourning my life I left behind. So much so that I couldn't see (really SEE) what was right in front of me.

I have been praying to just FEEL the beauty all around me again.  I was unable to do this because early December I was diagnosed with depression. 2020 was a hard year, in more ways than one.  I almost lost my brother to suicide - twice, struggling with guilt of being so far away, unable to give support and a complicated relationship.  Nevermind the pandemic we're all facing and all the challenges that come with it.

I went to the doctor thinking I just need something for my anxiety that's flaring up.  He gave me two questionnaires to fill out and I was not impressed.  I knew I had some degree of 'expat blues' or whatever, trying to manage it through running and exercise. I am the last person that was in support of medication for this.  When he started talking about depression I started crying and I couldn't stop. My heart was aching.  I told him about the running, the journalling, the beach walks.  I didn't want this.  I was stronger than this!  I do NOT want to be a statistic.

But my heart, deep down my heart knew I needed this.  My doctor was kind, the kindest one I've ever met here.  It was no mistake I got him for my consult that day. He said, "You've been doing all the right things to help yourself, but now it's time to let me help you."  

The shame.  Oh the shame...  I drove home that day crying so much.  I don't think I'll ever forget it. The next morning I woke up with a racing heart and felt like I was on the brink of a panic attack.  I called up one of my friends who I knew would have something to calm me down.  I drove to her house and basically cried the whole time.  She was the first person I told. I felt safe in telling her.  This utterly private, shameful thing that I didn't know quite how to navigate.  I can't begin to express my gratitude towards her.  No judgement, just support.  Exactly what I needed in that moment. A few days later I phoned one of my dear friends back home, who gracefully entered my life as a client who turned friend x1000, who also happens to be my life coach. Her just being a soundboard helped so much. Plus, she always has some solid advice.

It was almost a week after my doctor’s visit that I only told my husband.  Which was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  Why?  Well, because I didn’t want to bother him with something that seemed so insignificant, but also felt so heavy. And - we are not 'these people'.  We are strong, happy, resilient... We do not quit.  And it felt like I failed.  I failed really, really hard.  

I was surprised with the amount of empathy I was met with.  I should have known better, but my judgement was so clouded! He was so supportive, I did not feel judged for one second. 

The word shame comes up a lot, as you've noticed.  Because that was the connotation I had.  Failure. Statistic. Weakness. All negative things...  When in fact, it takes so much courage to admit that you need help.  I am stronger because of it.  And I want to help stop the stigma around it.  More people need to be that supportive and SAFE friend who we can go to with regards to this subject. Without fearing that they will be judged.  I want to be that friend.  And it's hard to admit, but I don't think I could have been that friend before this.  It was easy for me to say 'rather get some sunlight, or go for a walk...'  But now, now I know better.

And now I can do better.

I was told to take my anti-depressants for six to eight months AFTER it starts working.  I was utterly disappointed when I heard this.  I thought I was going to take it for three or four months and 'khallas'! (It's done) I'm fixed! But alas, I have learned a lot since then. (Ánd I’m not broken).

So I guess I can finally start counting ;)

Another important note: Earlier this year I decided to delete my Facebook account.  Just temporarily.  I was struggling to 'keep up' with what my friends were doing.  Normal things, that I just couldn't deal with.  I was comparing myself to others.  Things I was able to do but no longer had an interest in doing.  I started feeling resentment and decided to take that off the table.  The option of comparison.  Just took it away! Went off the grid for a little bit.  And it did me SO GOOD!!!  It only took me about a week.  I intentionally pulled my focus back to my close circle.  My husband and my girls.  I just started there.  Slowly but surely I managed to make my circle bigger again.  Society can sometimes get the best of us, don't let that happen.  

It was one of the best decisions I made.  And I would do it again in a heartbeat - if it means it's helping me stay focused on the here and now.  It's just too easy to get distracted from LIFE.  The beautiful, present moment.  It's called the 'present' for a reason you know ;). What a blessed gift!

I got confirmation again this week that I am on the right track. A friend of mine shared something really beautiful on her Facebook page

“...I will lead on slowly... at the pace of the children” (Gen.33:14)

Click here to read the full article.

"It takes courage to say yes to rest and play, in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol"
- Brene Brown

Give yourself permission to slow down xxx  Put your hand on your heart and remember what’s important.

And if you need a chat, you know where to find me ❤️

PS, It took me a long time to find the courage and the words to share my story. But this morning, when I got soaked by the rain halfway through my run I smiled and just knew I am ready. You will know when you're ready, too.